At dinner, your seven-year-old asks why her brother “gets away with everything.” Your teenager has stopped bringing friends home and hasn’t said why. If either of these sounds familiar, it doesn’t mean you’re failing as a parent. It’s a normal part of family life when one child needs more of your time. Siblings of autistic children often grow up unusually empathetic, patient and protective. They also need their own attention, honest answers and room to have mixed feelings.
This guide is for parents who want to support all of their kids. It’s organized by age, because what a four-year-old needs to hear is very different from what a fifteen-year-old needs.
What siblings commonly feel (and all of it is okay)
Most siblings feel a mix of emotions that can change from day to day: love and pride, but also jealousy, embarrassment, guilt about feeling embarrassed, worry about the future, and sometimes anger when a meltdown ruins a birthday party. Feeling resentful from time to time doesn’t mean the sibling doesn’t love their brother or sister. It means they’re a child.
The aim isn’t to stop these feelings. It’s to make it safe for your child to say them out loud.
Support by age
Simple and concrete
Young children notice differences but don’t need the word “autism” explained in depth. Talk about what they can see: “Leo’s brain finds loud noises really hard. That’s why he covers his ears.”
Reassure them that autism isn’t catching and that it isn’t anyone’s fault.
Fairness and friends
This is when “it’s not fair!” peaks. Explain the different rules openly instead of avoiding the subject. Prepare them for questions from classmates by practicing a one-sentence answer together.
Protect their belongings and their play space.
Identity and embarrassment
Embarrassment in public is common and often comes with guilt. Let them opt out of some outings. Give them real information about autism and ABA if they ask. Many children this age feel better once they understand why.
The future, and their own life
Teens may quietly worry, “Will I have to take care of him forever?” Talk about long-term plans honestly, in a way that fits their age. Make it clear that their own goals, such as college, sports and friendships, matter just as much.
What to say when the hard questions come
Ending with a question back keeps the conversation going. Often the first question isn’t the real one.
Eight small things that make a big difference
- Protected one-on-one time. Even 15 minutes a week of a sibling-only activity, kept on the calendar like a therapy appointment, helps them feel prioritized.
- A space that’s theirs. A lockable box or a door that stays closed protects their things and their sense of control.
- Don’t make them the helper by default. Helping should be invited and thanked, not expected. Parentified siblings often burn out quietly.
- Let them be bored, annoyed and ordinary. They don’t have to be the “easy child.”
- Include them in therapy, if they want. Many ABA programs, including ours, can show siblings simple ways to play with their brother or sister. This can turn frustration into connection.
- Plan for meltdowns in public. Agree ahead of time on what the sibling should do. For example, “If Leo gets upset at the store, you stay with Dad by the door.”
- Keep their events sacred. If possible, arrange respite care so both parents can attend the recital or game.
- Connect them with other siblings. Sibshops, run through the Sibling Support Project, are peer workshops just for brothers and sisters of kids with disabilities. Many children find it a relief to learn they aren’t the only one.
Signs a sibling may need extra support
- Pulling away from friends or activities they used to enjoy
- Trying to be “perfect” and never asking for anything
- New anger, aggression or acting out to get attention
- Stomachaches, headaches or sleep problems with no medical cause
- Falling grades or not wanting to go to school
- Saying they’re responsible for their sibling’s behavior
If you notice several of these signs for more than a few weeks, talk to your pediatrician or school counselor. Short-term counseling for siblings is common and can help a lot.
Our in-home ABA therapy includes parent training, and siblings can take part when it’s helpful. We can show the whole family shared play routines, calm-down strategies and ways to handle tough moments together. Call (312) 881-9044 or reach out online.
This article is general family-education content, not individual medical or psychological advice. If you’re worried about any child’s emotional wellbeing, please speak with your pediatrician or a licensed mental-health professional.